Making Friends in an Era of Isolation

 

By Frank Filocomo

Making friends is easy on paper, but often difficult in practice. 

In Front Porch Republic, a publication that I urge all Frank Forum readers to check out, Dixie Dillon Lane penned a thoughtful piece on her trials and tribulations with making friends, particularly after becoming a mother. 

"There’s only so much friendship-making you can do while both the adults in question are sleep deprived and the conversation is frequently interrupted by toddlers," she writes. 

Forging friendships in a social vacuum with all else being equal is one thing, but reality is full of externalities (both good and bad) and encumberments that make socialization time-consuming and inconvenient.

Sometimes it seems like there just aren't enough hours in the day. We have jobs to work, families to tend to, and myriad other social obligations to fulfill. But friendship-making? For many of us, that ranks low on the priority list, and thus is frequently jettisoned from our daily objectives. 

To forgo friendship-making, though, is a grave mistake. Friends are - or at least ought to be - constants in our lives. They keep us honest, make us laugh, and help guide us through hardship. They are indispensable soldiers in our social infantry.  

Many of us, though, are consumed by work and are without many meaningful friendships. What, though, can be done?

Lane offers some good tips and tricks. 

This one if obvious, but frequently overlooked: tapping into dormant, or rather, not-fully-realized relationships. These are friendships that you already have, but that need some cultivating. 

Lane writes:

In the past several months, for example, a friend whom I’ve always valued but whose life has been somewhat different than mine has become my weekly walking partner, and through this we have discovered that we are truly kindred spirits in many deeply meaningful ways.

NYU Langone neurologist Joel Salinas, in an interview for the Washington Post, has called this "preserving what you have." 

This is a light-lift and can be sparked by a text message. 

Among Lane's other suggestions is to attend more live events and conferences: 

Jetting off to a conference—much less a week-and-a-half in Spain—seemed extremely far from possible to me until my wise and confident spouse practically pushed me into it. I thought I should 'build community' by trying yet again to run another playgroup or host another big party or offer to watch other people’s kids; but those things didn’t work very well. Instead, life invited me to far-flung places and new professional roles. I’m very glad I finally started to listen.

This is advice I need to listen to more myself. I love to stay inside and read and play guitar. Going out can be a schlep. Not to mention the social battery it requires. It's so much easier to be safe and comfortable. Too much loafing in one's safe space, however, isn't healthy. Exposure to social environments - uncomfortable as they may be - is a necessary exercise. It develops your social muscles, keeps your mind sharp, and introduces you to new people, who might just become new friends. 

This all, however, requires work and openness.

Again, you can read Lane's full article for FPR here. Take her advice.